SANGPIT

10:35 pm. January 1, Thursday. Room N – 11 second floor of the Novitiate House of Prayer. My room. I was about to surrender my cell phone[1] when I received a text message coming from my step sister back home telling me: “Tumawag ka, nasa ospital si Tita Connie!” After calling her, I learned that my mother was in excruciating pain last December 30 and she had undergone surgery in her intestines and the doctors found a tumor. As of that moment they were still conducting battery of tests and biopsy to see if the lump is benign. A colostomy bag was attached to her abdomen. Once again, the menace of possible cancer is knocking on our family door. The claws of anxiety are clutching my throat – it may not be a happy New Year after all.    

           

            This was not the first time I received such a disturbing news while I am in religious formation. More than ten years ago, I was then a postulant in another congregation and seas away from my family when I received the heart-breaking news of my sister’s demise who battled against lupus for more than eight years. I must confess, I had difficulty praying for her even before she died. I guess, when the doctors told us that only a miracle could cure her – I lost my hope. I was hesitant back then to ask God for healing because I was afraid I might lose my faith if God will refuse to answer my sangpit. But still, even if my sister eventually returned to her Creator, her ordeal brought about many emotional healing in our family. It made our family bond stronger. That time, I thought I already learned how to surrender to God all my family concerns. But I guess no person can get used to receiving bad news, especially if it is about your mother. Now that I am once again miles away from my family, anxious fear seemed to become the batobalani that connects me to them.        

           

            I found myself inside our oratory: a conceited-know-it-all-theologian; a smug contemplative; and a liturgy aficionado – now lost with words beseeching: “Lord, teach me how to pray” (cf. Luke 11: 1). And indeed, He answered me by not telling “what” to pray for…but “how” to pray… He showed me the CEBUANOS.

           

            It started in the first day of the Novena to Señor Santo Niño: the walk with Jesus procession and the Mass. Seeing the throng of people was overwhelming – no, it was an experience of the mysterium tremendum et fascinans even without the thick clouds of incense. Rarely have I witnessed the dream of Vatican II’s active participation in actuality. Surely, the Council Fathers will be moved into tears if they saw what I saw – actually not just saw, but experienced. I felt goosebumps under my skin and a deep pinch in my heart similar to almost trembling in awe! The experience was ineffable! To try describing the experience into words would be a great disservice to what transpired. The Cebuanos way of showing their affection and faith to Señor Santo Niño humbled me so.     

           

            Having been in the charismatic renewal movement at a young age; then joining a contemplative order who is known for a rich tradition in mysticism; followed by diligent study of philosophy and sacred theology; seasoned with post-graduate studies in sacred liturgy – I thought I already grasped an advance know-how in the science and art of prayer. But the psalmist might shake his head on me and say, “let those who say "Aha!" turn back in their shame” (Ps 70: 4). Being an overzealous liturgist and a self-righteous contemplative, I downplayed devotions. I saw it before as “twisting the arms of God” to get what we want. For me, our prayer should always be “fiat voluntas tua” – but I forgot that before Jesus uttered those words in the garden of Gethsemane, He humbly asked the Father first if He could take away from Him the cup of suffering (cf. Mark 14: 36). I undermined the zealousness and devotions of common folks, arrogantly thinking that I know better. Without acknowledging it, I look at some of their practices as foolish – bordering to superstition and idolatry. But “God chose the foolish of the world to shame the wise, and God chose the weak of the world to shame the strong, and God chose the lowly and despised of the world, those who count for nothing, to reduce to nothing those who are something, so that no human being might boast before God” (1 Cor 1: 27 – 29).

           

            I was grasping for air… looking for a way to have access with God… I need to touch the tassel of His cloak not for my sake but for my mother. To the question, “where can I find God?”, perhaps an easy and practical answer would be “Go inside a church and there you will find Him.” However, God made me realize through the Cebuanos that there is a better way: “Go and join the community at worship and there you will meet God. For God dwells not in empty buildings made of wood and stones, but in the hearts of the faithful who gather to sing God’s praises” (cf. Mt 18:20). I was so engrossed with the official public worship of the Church (Roman Liturgy), I forgot that varied are the ways to have access with the Divine. I realized what the Council Fathers meant when they said that “the spiritual life is not limited solely to participation in the liturgy” (Sacrosanctum Concilium 12). I literally felt the Lord’s presence. I was able to say “He is here”, because we are here. It is the presence of Christ in his body the Church that confers holiness to that place. I was able to resonate with the people’s plea… with one mind and one heart we resounded our sangpit to the Child King. Truly, the LORD hears the poor and does not spurn those in bondage (cf. Ps 69: 34).

           

            I asked a Cebuano brother how the “Walk with Jesus” procession started. He said that it was conceptualized to dramatize the Presentation of the Child Jesus in the temple. So while joining hundreds of devotees in the procession, I tried to reflect on what happened in the fourth joyful mystery. The charm of the “Presentation of Jesus in the temple” and the seemingly idyllic scene of Mary, Joseph and Jesus in the temple, form only part of the picture. For it is bitter-sweet. The “presentation of Jesus in the temple” is bitter-sweet because of the remarkable words Simeon uttered to Mary: “a sword will pierce your own soul too – so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed” (cf. Luke 2: 35). The words he uttered are confusing, impenetrable; but the quiet assurance with which he delivers them guarantee the truth they contain. Mary learns that she will suffer too; a sword will pierce her own soul. In my reflection, I too owned that prophecy. By walking with the Santo Niño and the people towards the Basilica, I know our souls will also be pierced….so that the thoughts of our hearts may also be revealed.

           

            When my sister gave the phone to my mother, I could barely hear her voice. My sister told me that my mother reprimanded them for informing me her condition. She was worried that I will be distracted in my canonical year as an Augustinian novice. She even said that I now belong to God and to my religious congregation. This brought back significant memories. I remembered the day I finally convinced my Mom, a nominal Catholic, to join a charismatic group so that she will be able to experience the joy I felt in serving the Church. It was short-lived because my Mom was refused to receive absolution by a Monsignor after going to confession – all because she was cohabitating with my father without the blessing of matrimony. Technically speaking, my father was already based in the U.S. without any physical contact with my mother for years – but the Monsignor did not even bother to ask that. For him, my mother should cut all connections with my father or else suffer the wrath of hell. She went home crying telling me that the Church has closed its doors on us. I refused to believe that. And I know in her heart, she also refused to believe that – in fact, she offered a son to God and to the Church: me. What breaks her heart, as well as mine, is our fear that because of her poor health, she might not live the day to witness the ordaining hands of the bishop on top of my head. This is why nisangpit ko Niya: not for me, but for my mother. Oh Señor Santo Niño, just this once, please turn a loving ear to my plea. If it is not too much to ask, please extend the life of my mother.

           

            Perhaps, God allows us to experience sufferings in order that the thoughts of our hearts may be revealed. The pain and anxiety caused by the disturbing news about my mother’s illness pierced my heart so deeply, I cannot help but barely lay down the thoughts of my heart at the foot of Santo Niño. Devoid with flamboyant words and pageantry of rituals, like so many people around me, tears became the incense that brought my innermost entreaty to God while waving my hand in the tune of the Gozos and dancing the Sinulog like there’s no tomorrow in front of thousands of devotees as a total act of oblation and resignation to the Child King. Who could not be drawn to the people’s manifestation of faith? I found myself being pulled by a very powerful force: a magnet of love. I have re-discovered what years of formal studies in Theology has robbed me: childlike faith – a surrending and trusting faith. A faith that can peacefully put its confidence on the hands of God.

           

            Perchance, the devotion to Señor Santo Niño is appealing to Filipinos because it is connected with human problems and sentiments; it possesses a spontaneous and creative quality, which may sometimes distance it from the doctrine and discipline of the Church; it is traditional in orientation; and it is suited for simple people. Cultural anthropologist describes it as: festive, felt, and spontaneous; it is expressive, immediate, and human; it is communitarian, collective, joyful, symbolic, traditional, and alive.[2] While the Roman liturgy tend to address the intellect, devotional prayers appeal to the sentiments and emotions of people.[3] To many people the liturgy is helplessly cold and distant. Its classical forms of noble simplicity and logical sequence are alien to the religious experience of many faithful who prefer to use their hearts and emotions more than their intellect when they pray to God.[4] The Cebuanos, with their childlike faith in the Santo Niño, made me appreciate the Consensus fidelium[5] – leaving me trembling in awe. For indeed, it seems to me, God cannot but respond to their sangpit.

           

            As an Augustinian novice, my use of cellphone is still restricted to privileged days (birthdays of parents, Christmas and New Year), and so, as of the moment I have no contact with my family. I literally have no idea what is happening now with my mother – I have no idea regarding the results of the biopsy. My old self would usually bombard me with useless worries and negativity. But now it is different. Now I am not afraid to pray. I am not scared that I might lose my faith if God will not answer me. Now I am not hopeless. Thanks to thousands of Cebuanos, they taught me how to have hope, for truly, our Señor Santo Niño is the hope of the people. One homilist during the novena Masses said, for Santo Niño devotees, there is no such thing as pessimism because true devotees believe that their Lord is awake, ever ready to listen and answer their sangpit.

            I, now a devotee of Señor Santo Niño, hope against hope with a trusting faith and an indomitable love: “O Señor Santo Niño, please heal my Mom.” I am now rest assured that God will take care of my mother.

            Jesus once again taught me how to pray… He taught me how to pray with a childlike faith – a trusting faith – a faith full of hope. I was drawn by the people’s faith, by their sangpit – like a batobalani sa gugma, a powerful force pulled me back securely to my heavenly Father’s embrace.

            Viva Pit Señor!

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                [1] We novices were allowed to use our cell phones for the whole New Year’s Day so we can greet our family and love ones.

                [2] Anscar J. Chupungco, OSB, “Popular Devotions” in Pastoral Liturgy – Shepherding God’s Flock, ed. by Fr. Genaro Diwa (Manila: Archdiocesan Liturgical Commission, Manila, 2013) 224.

                [3] Ibid., 225.

                [4] Ibid., 220.

                [5] Universality to the assent of faith, and refer to the situation in which the entire body of believers, “from the bishops down to the last member of the laity” – St. Augustine’s expression, cited verbatim by the Council (LG 12). It is in this situation, Vatican II asserts, that the whole people of God cannot err.

Vulnus in Corem Meus

“Where have you hidden, Beloved,

 and left me moaning?

You fled like the stag after wounding me;

 I went out calling you, but you were gone”

 ~ Saint John of the Cross

(Spiritual Canticle stanza 1)

 

It was the Feast of the Queenship of Mary and the Gospel reading was about the Workers at the Vineyard when the owner paid equally even though they worked at different time and length. “Are you jealous because I am generous?” – For me, this is just like another version of “many are called but few are chosen.” Coincidentally, that day was also the ordination to the priesthood of my batchmates in carmel. That day, I felt the sadness again – I felt the pain once more. The feeling was so strong – it felt like the thing just happened yesterday. Only in CEFAM did I realize that I was not really able to grieve right after I was sent out. 

When I went out, I have to work again and worry about worldly things. I had difficulty looking for a job. Either they consider me under or overly qualified. I have a degree in Engineering but when asked regarding the last time I practiced; they refuse my application after learning that I have not practiced it for the past eight years already. When I applied for a teaching post in theology or religious education, despite my colorful academic credentials, I was discriminated because I am an ex-seminarian. One HR director told me, “Sorry sir, but we have an unwritten directive not to admit former seminarians.” After some time I became a call center agent … a job that I am not so proud of and added more ingredient in my journey to self-pity. Imagine, part of that job is selling and promoting “adult channels” to foreign customers. I am not a conservative moralist but in this case, I wallowed in self-pity finding myself, a theologian in this paradoxical situation.

For a time, I know I was depressed and anxious.  To be honest, there were times that I wished my life will just end. I don’t know where to go… I lost a sense of direction. I thought everything was already lost. My future was ruined, my dreams were shattered. The normal functioning of my life was affected no matter how hard I tried to normalize it. After a year, I applied to another religious congregation. I thought I was ready. I thought I was already healed from the pain of rejection. It was time to move on. Good thing, I went to CEFAM as well. Then emotions started to burst…

Last July 20, 2012, I attended the Solemn Profession of Vows of my batchmates. I mastered all the courage that I have in my heart and said to myself, “I will exorcise this demon by going there and facing them with head up high and with a heart full of authentic joy for my batchmates.” I learned from the movie Malena that you can only regain your self-worth by standing where you fell ~ I prefer writing it in Filipino: “tumindig ka kung saan ka nadapa.” And so I went and met so many important people in my life. I was happy for my batchmates and we reminisced so many treasured memories.

It was a powerful ritual of letting go. Actually, it was so beautiful because what actually happened back then was, in the morning I attended the Solemn Profession of my former batchmates; then I grieved and ritualize my farewell in my evening prayer by crying; then in that same night my new community had our first community night celebration. It was like burying and giving birth. I am now ready to move on with my life – so I thought.

August 22: I was the one processed in one of my classes in CEFAM and the method used was Gestalt. As I have written earlier, that day was also the ordination to the priesthood of my batchmates in carmel. I felt the sadness again – I felt the pain once more. That day, I called GOD in the circle. It was like putting “God on trial.” Fr. Arsie, my professor, allowed me to confront God in the empty chair.

I told God I am angry. I told Him I am still hurting. I told Him that I love Him “pero nagtatampo ako sa kanya.” Why did He allow this to happen? It was a catharsis. I cried really hard. This was not the first time I cried. I remember crying in some of my prayer times. But this was the first time I cried about this with a support group. After the session, I felt God’s loving presence through my peers. I felt Him through the love of my classmates. It was the highest empathy I received. This was the first time that I really felt understood. Somehow I believe that they felt the pain I am feeling. They were very supportive and understanding. I am glad I felt like a burden was lifted from my back. I felt very light after the session and revitalized.

According to Scott Peck, the most common cause of depression is “when a person is caught between the need to give up something and their will to hold on to it or their anger at having to give it up.”^[1] In this case, what I need to give up is my fantasy that all of what’s happening is just a dream – a nightmare that will not last because soon I will wake up and see that everything is back the way it was. But this is a fantasy. I need to give up this fantasy – this desire to go back to my previous life since my reality is unalterably different. Sometimes, my stubborn strong will can still re-create my “Carmelite world” but somehow, this is just an escape to what is real right now. I can create reveries of the silence and solitude of Carmel at the expense of ignoring the “amazing grace” that Augustine is offering me in the here and now. If I continue clinging on to my fantasy, I will also continuously ignore the parts of my reality that does not fit in. If I will continue to re-create the environment I had in Carmel, I might miss the opportunity of appreciating and valuing what the Augustinians (or should I say God) is offering me right now.  

At that moment I acknowledged the feelings. I licked my wounds – thanks to CEFAM and to my Augustinian brothers who were and still are very supportive of me. That session actually helped me verbalize my feelings that I would rather not talk about less people might misunderstand me. I know what I want. I want to be healed and I want to continue my relationship with God and His people, but, I cannot short-cut the process. Understanding what was happening within me surely helped in knowing which path to take next.

What could God be telling back then? In the processing that day, I learned that I was angry, depressed and even burnout. CEFAM in general has helped me feel how God is taking care of me along the way. In my search, I can compare now my experience with how God dealt with the prophet Elijah.

Elijah experienced a burnout (refer to 1Kings 19 – Queen Jezebel puts a death threat out on Elijah. Just a few days after this enormous miracle where the whole nation turns back to God, Elijah runs for his life across the desert, hides in a cave. He’s in fear saying, "God, please kill me!"). How God dealt with his burnout gave me an insight how to deal with mine.

When I was sent out of the seminary, I depreciated my worth. There was a tape going on in my mind that says, "I’m a nobody. My life doesn’t matter. I have no value."  I started comparing myself with my batchmates – I am far better than them. Why me? But what’s worst was when I started comparing my expectations with the way life has really turned out. I started criticizing myself. I feel guilty about all the work I haven’t gotten done. Even if I graduated Summa cum Laude, I underrated my work. Eventually I abdicated my dream. I lost my vision and forgot my goals. I just wanted to give up. I was emotionally, physically and spiritually drained I just want to give up. I stopped caring.  Reading the story of Elijah gave me an insight on how God dealt with Elijah’s predicament.  God told Elijah to do four things to get over his burnout.

My body needed to rest. This is God’s first step. His prescription to Elijah was to lie down under the tree and sleep. He then told him to, `Get up and eat.’  When Elijah burned out, God didn’t give him a lecture. God didn’t scold him. His first antidotes were sleep and eat.

Second, I released my frustrations. What happened next after the sleeping and eating? God asked Elijah, `What are you doing here, Elijah?’ and he replied, `I’ve been very zealous for the Lord, but...’" Elijah began to tell his frustrations. What he says is, "God, I’ve been living for You. I’ve been trying to do the right thing. I’ve been a good person, following Your plan for my life ... but..." Then he unloads in the next verses. God knew that Elijah in his burnout was a basketful of emotions. So He said, "Elijah, spill your guts! Blow off some steam. Tell Me what you’re really thinking. Tell Me what you’re really feeling. What’s bugging you? Get it off your chest." This deals with the emotional side of burnout. Revealing my feelings to our counseling session in class was the beginning of healing. I’ve learned to express the feelings in my heart that I’ve been holding in. I faced my frustrations and talk to God about it. I told him, "God, this is the way I feel." I expressed my feelings and laid them all out. God wasn’t shocked with Elijah’s griping. He wasn’t shocked with the way he felt. When he said, "God, I’m angry and I’m bitter and I’m depressed and I’m lonely." God wasn’t surprised. God didn’t say, "You shouldn’t feel that way." He listened. I’m pretty sure God did that to me. God knows my feelings better than I do. He just wants me to understand them and by talking them out it helped me get in touch with what I was feeling and thinking.

Then He taught me to fix my eyes on Him again. I needed to get my eyes off my problem and start looking at Jesus again. I must have a fresh awareness of God’s power and presence in my life. This is the third key to Elijah’s overcoming his burnout. "Go out and stand before Me on the mountain,’ the Lord told him." God said, "Elijah, I want you to get alone with Me for a while. There’s something I want you to see." A powerful wind, pouring through the mountain, tore the mountain apart, shattered the rocks before the Lord. The Lord was not in the hurricane wind. After the wind, there was an earthquake. But the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire – some kind of firestorm. And after the fire came a gentle whisper, a still small voice. After Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face, and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, `What are you doing here, Elijah?’" Why? Because the root of all burnout is playing God. When I started playing God, when I started acting as if God doesn’t matter, like I have to make it all work, that I’m in charge, I’m in control, I’m the manager of my life – I set myself up for burnout. God never meant for me to be the manager of my life.

I thank God that in my burnout I didn’t walk out. It took many lonely walks, arguments, counseling and communication work for me to finally express what was going on inside of me without fear of rejection. I came to realize that being a Christian does not exempt you from having disappointments, times of failure and angry moments. That’s only part of being human. As soon as I could possibly allow myself to be human I could feel myself breathe again. My Lord was teaching me to rest in Him, to learn from Him and what He loved about me.

I have to rest my body, release my emotions, and refocus on God. And finally, one last step in order to go back to wholeness: resume serving others. I have to stop thinking only about myself – introspection – all the time.  I should start thinking about others who are less fortunate than myself. When you’re in pain all you can see is yourself. If you look around you’ll find somebody who is in more pain than you are. One of the ways of getting out of burnout is to start giving your life away again in helping somebody else. The more you give your life away, the more God blesses you. I learned from Elijah that the way you come out of burnout is again, by start giving away, then you begin to focus on the outside and begin to help others.

I could have never gone out of burnout by introspection alone. I needed to get outside of myself. Thank God I found a ministry, found a place to serve. I have to be grateful and believe in my talents again and use them. I learned to stop just focusing on myself and started focusing on helping others. That brought my joy back. Joy comes from service.

When our psycho-emotional issues bombard us, we find ourselves in a situation of despair and hopelessness.  Sometimes we may think that we’ve lost our vision --- our dream.  Fear envelops us and it seems that there’s no more remedy for our situation.  It paralyzes our soul to the point of almost giving up completely.  But there is hope for us; found at the heart of God, our healer. We may have resorted already to so many methods psychology has offered in order to ease the emotional pain that torments us.  The frailness of our humanity may drag us to discouragement.  All seems superficial and the effects are not lasting.  Everything remains a mental exercise and a forceful will power.  It may not work in the long run.  Out of despair and anguish, we can boldly confess before the Lord that we really can’t handle the situation anymore.  We may not understand everything and if we continue focusing on ourselves further, we’ll completely loose the vision of His plans for us.  In this situation we must throw ourselves to His mercy and love.  We must ask Him to grant us the grace we need in order to move on, realizing at the same time that we don’t merit any of these favors He’s granting or will soon grant us.  We must believe that He loves us and that we, in turn also love Him.  Nothing can ever separate us from His love and thus, no matter how big or small our achievements, or failures, or woundedness are, it doesn’t matter.  We approach His throne with empty hands, and no matter what the Father gives, whether in the eyes of men it is a curse or a blessing, the important thing is that we receive it in joy and with expectant faith that God will turn everything good for those who truly love Him.  Let us also ask Him to allow us to share in His strength in forgiving others and ourselves.  What matters most is that He has placed in our hearts the faith, the hope, and the love that saves.  I believe that by placing our faith in this truth, a bulk of heavy burden will be cast away from our hearts and we will be freed from a great deal of emotional anxiety.  Assertion may not help us that much; the true acknowledgement of our nothingness before God will soothe the pain. We may be fragile and weak, but our God is strong and Almighty.

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      [1] M. Scott Peck, A World Waiting to be Born – Civility Rediscovered (New York: Bantam Books, 1993) 104.